i’m the mother of three daughters, two of whom were born still and one of whom has not quit wriggling since the day she was conceived.

earl (yes she’s a girl) was born still at 17 weeks as a result of pprom. technically she was a miscarriage, but that doesn’t jive with my experience of labor and delivery followed by holding and kissing my first child. so if you’re a doc, fine, then she was a miscarriage. if not, cut me some slack.

mairin is, like all mothers’ toddlers, the world’s best kid. her pregnancy was completely uneventful, save for the daily heparin shots (thanks to my ACLA status) and high doses of folic acid and b vitamins (ostensibly prophylactic but possibly necessary and definitely not harmful). after 9 hours of active labor my ob had to break the amniotic sac. hm.

ruby was born still at 22 weeks. i had pprom at 20 weeks and went on expectant management. an infection set in (as infections are wont to do) and i kicked into labor exactly 2 weeks — almost to the hour — after my water broke.

why the pprom thing? that’s really what’s pushed me to start blogging. ever since our nationally-famous perinatalogist said to me “i’ve never seen it happen to the same woman twice” i’ve been obsessed with pprom– its causes (usually unknown), its risk factors (mostly irrelevant to my situation), its treatments, and of course its heartbreak. despite what the kind dr. e. says, it does happen to women more than once, especially when they have the appropriate risk factors…the worst being (to my mind) having had it happen before.

despite this history — oh, did i mention the three 1st trimester miscarriages? or the completely wasted summer of fertility medications, resulting in the only period of time in my life when i tried to conceive but couldn’t? — i choose to believe that since a healthy, live birth has “happened” to me before, it can again. hell, if bad things can happen more than once, so can good things, right?

so here i am, processing the sad, kicking at the mad and hoping for the happy. in that spirit, version four point oh is our pre-uterine nickname for the baby we hope will eventually come our way, once our ob gives says “go.”

4 Responses to “and if you really want to know…”

  1. mom Says:

    My heart BREAKS for you in this. My mother had 8 miscarriages after I was born, most between 11-15 weeks. I watched her suffer, even though I didn’t get it (I was so little). I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have 2 stillbirths and my heart goes out to you. Kudos for being a voice on this.

  2. DR Says:

    I just found your blog, and so have been reading around it and am incredibly moved by your bravery — in constantly moving forward, in writing about it, and so on. My sister had a daughter born still at 32 weeks a bit under two years ago, and then seven months later had a baby boy born at 26.5 weeks. He’s going well and strong — cruising, babbling, everything you’d hope and dream for. As I’ve said to her many times: I can only imagine what you’ve gone through. Thank you for writing about this. There are so many assumptions that birth, because it’s natural, should be easy. But nothing is that simple.

  3. N Says:

    Chanced upon your blog while googling for pprom – our first pregnancy ended at 20 weeks, pPROM – labour was induced and our little angel stillborn on Feb 4th….physically i feel ok, but mentally, on the slow road to healing…will be nice to connect with you.
    Praying that you’ll have a healthy pregnancy and baby soon!

  4. Michelle Says:

    Hi there – found your blog via google as I attempt to come to terms with my second PPROM, wee girl 19 weeks, wee boy 16 weeks. Live in NZ – really struggling to find anyone who’ll take this seriously and am desparate for any advice/research you can point me too that might help me avoid PPROM happening again. I’m going to give it one more try, but I can’t handle the thought of holding a 3rd still baby – I think I will go mental. I’m not sure what’s happening in your life as haven’t read enough of the blog yet – just got excited reading about folate and thought I would try to make contact immediately. Is folate something I should be mega dosing on? I’ve read about something called P17 but no one here has heard of it.
    Hope to hear from you soon.

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