to sleep…

nobody in our house has been sleeping much. m started playschool early in december and immediately got sick. while looking inside her mouth for telltale signs of impending doom (like what, i’m not sure), we found evidence of molars. for the rest of the month she battled a series of colds that eventually turned into a sinus infection, all the while cutting four gigantic teeth. before going to bed each night she got a dose of amoxicillan, tylenol, and sudafed. even doped up like this she would still sleep for a measly 2-3 hours at best before waking, screaming, begging to come to bed with us.

as i suspect most parents who sleep with young children in their beds know, there is no rest for the co-sleeping family. m would rest her head on me and her feet on s. she would pat my chest or face when she woke up and would kick s when she was restless. we were all really, really tired.

add to that that i taught a week-long seminar on dissertation writing to advanced grad students in the middle of december in addition to my regularly scheduled work, and then throw in the holidays, and you can guess what sorts of wrecks we all were.

but m has recovered and has now slept from 7 pm to 6 am two nights in a row; the night before those she stayed asleep until 4:30 am, which at that point was manna from heaven. so we’re all feeling better and starting to catch up on our sleep. kind of. m and s are better rested. i, on the other hand, am at the whim of v4.0.

v4.0 seems to be a 5:30 kinda kid. yesterday i awoke at 5:30 and had a hard time falling back asleep. although i eventually did, it was only moments before m. woke up half-babbling, half-fussing, asking to be rescued from her isolation. this morning i did not fall back to sleep at all. which gave me ample time to ponder my dreams.

perchance to dream

with m i had two basic kinds of funky pregnancy dreams: in the first, i would revisit my grandmother’s house (my touchstone for growing up) and discover all sorts of weird things i should have known about my family that i didn’t (i attribute this to the grief therapy i was going through at the time); in the second, i would have sex. with lots of people (not at the same time). but almost never with s. and i almost always felt guilty about it, both in the dream and in real life.

for most of 2006, when we would wake up in the morning s would ask me one of two questions: “did you go to grandma’s house last night?” or “who did you sleep with this time?” the dream with the greatest staying power was the one where i hooked up with two swimmers — you know, the olympian sort. i was actually a little creeped out by this, but s was really amused. i guess maybe it’s relieving to know that it takes two of somebody else to replace the one of you.

well, i must be pregnant now because the sex dreams are back. last night i dreamt that i was shopping for wine to take to a party for dr. cox from scrubs. who did i run into at the shop, picking up appetizers, but zach braff! we got to talking, he offered me a ride to the party, and on the way there he asked me to marry him. then he chuckled and held out his hand for me to shake, as if that would seal the deal. i didn’t know where to start with all the reasons that i couldn’t marry him, but i ran through them all: i’m not single, i have a child with s, you would have to be her stepfather and are you really ready for that? i even tried telling him i’m far too old for him, but he was unconvinced. he said he was ready for a family and this was perfect. i pondered telling him i was pregnant but then actually decided not to, because maybe later he would believe that it was his kid.

all of this talk of marriage led to the inevitable bedroom scene where suddenly he wasn’t zach braff but he was john dorian of scrubs, the kind of geek with girls that makes it pretty certain he’s a two-minute man. and he was. and i kept thinking, for the rest of the dream, that that’s what it must be like to sleep with a virgin, and it has to get better, and last longer, and be more pleasurable. right?

and so i debated with myself. do i ditch s to hook up with a smart funny celeb, even if he needs a little training in the intimacy department? on the other hand, how great would my new jet-setting life be! think of all the people i’d get to meet and hang out with! OR… do i keep my family together, stay with the man i love, raise our kids together, and stick with my quiet little local life somewhere in the middle of the u.s.? braff is cute and all, but at the end of the day, it’s not a hard call.

which is especially easy to say since it was only a dream.